We’ve all be there. You know the point I’m talking about. The relationship’s over, and you’re making that letter (or list or text message) of all those things you want to tell her. I’ve been making that list in my head for a month or two now. I’ve decided it really doesn’t matter. She doesn’t particularly care what I have to say, and I certainly don’t want her to have the satisfaction of seeing me grovel. So that’s just not going to happen.
Where does that leave us casualties of relationships? I’m not going to burden you with the laundry list of issues from my personal experience. The big main components of a breakup are always the same. That moment when you notice a gap growing and no explanation why. That moment when ignoring that growing distance between the two of you is impossible. The options, once you have arrived to this stage, are limited. On the one hand, you could preemptively ask her: “Are you cheating on me?” or the more passive-aggressive “Why have you been so distant lately?”
Let’s explore how this is gonna play out. The end result will be the same, so the path to breakup is the only real choice available to you at this point.
Allow me to interject. I’ve decided I’m not going to be one of those guys who mope around in some ridiculous on-again, off-again pattern for who knows how long. If she broke up with me, then I’m out and done. Much as I would love to bury her in shovel-fulls of guilt and tell her what a terrible person she is, I won’t do that. Why? Oh the urge is there. The temptation is there. And if you say otherwise then either you’re a liar or you’ve never had a relationship serious enough to matter. I’ll tell you why.
She wants that. She wants the attention, whether she admits it or not, she does. She’ll still give you one of those clichéd just friends line. If you went in angry, then you may get called some names and then be out the door all the same. I’d rather chop of my toes and maybe a finger with a cheese grater than do that.
The only real option available is silence. And it sucks. Sure, I’m biased and only representing my side of the story. But I’m right. Why is silence better than giving her your letter/list of her mistakes? Silence is far harder than all the alternatives. The question remains—why silence? Because she wants attention and she doesn’t care what you have to say.
This has all been written before, I’m sure, but allow me a moment to address a small subset of my readers right now. I know what you’re saying. Either you’re in a happy relationship at the moment and saying “{insert name here} would never treat me like” or you just broke up and you’ve still got your relationship goggles on. Here’s a fact. Women change after a breakup. There’s a chance that in your particular case, you’re ex doesn’t care about attention (unlikely). But she doesn’t care what you have to say. Either way, silence is your best play.
Women, after a breakup, get in their women-circles. Her close friends respond with affirmation and confirmation to whatever you’re ex says to them. It allows shallower women to absolve themselves of responsibility for a sour relationship. And guess what? That makes it your fault. I know, it sucks right? It happens. And there’s not much I’ve ever found to avoid this.
Despite my endorsement of the complete silence approach, I am tempted to write her an e-mail. One so direct, so blunt, and so full of truth that it would force my ex to confront her own faults. One that even her friends’ pompous affirmations couldn’t overcome. Oh the idea of it is tantalizing. But before you go writing that letter, remember, SHE wants attention and doesn’t care what you have to say.
If you’re depressed right now at the sad truth of the situation—then let me leave you with one bright point. At least you know the truth. Whether she ever realizes it or not doesn’t matter. You do. You know the truth, from beginning to end. Advice? Good gracious, I’m the last person to give any kind of advice. Well, here it is. If you go for silence, don’t seek affirmation and confirmation from your friends. Winston Churchill said “The truth is incontrovertible, malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end; there it is.”
I’m sure Churchill would roll over in his grave if he knew I’d used one of his great sayings for a matter as simple as a relationship. That doesn’t change how very right he was about truth.
